Heaving Heuchera and Other Fortysomething Problems

I'm shattered.  It has recently come to my attention that I have become, instantly- practically over f'ing night- totally... OLD!

It's like a shocking Dorian Gray moment I'm having here.  So give me support.  First: apologies for my sins:

I am sorry I smoked.
I am sorry I made any guy listen to Sarah McLachlan for hours.  I am sorry I made women listen to Beth Orton.  For hours.
I am sorry about never drinking water.
I am sorry for the booze.
I am sorry for nourishing my children through my boobs.  MY.  BAD.
I am sorry for sun worship, but fuck you because don't make the sun so nice.
I am sorry for anything bad I ever did.

Now can we please please PLEEEEAAASE go back to passing the Pencil Test?  Pleeeaaase?!

The first thing I noticed about this accelerated aging was how I felt the distinct urge to apologize to Julie for how I look in the morning now. Before my very eyes I've gone from a morning look that was "rumpled, innocent" to "looking a little more like my dad's side of the family" to full blown Benicio Tel Toro after a meth binge:

Sorry, Julie

And yesterday, I was out in the yard doing actual GARDENING, which: thoughtful gardening= Old, and I was wearing tall rubber boots, stomping around, happily weeding out the squill when I heard myself say, out loud (!) "Oh hells no! Does this Heuchera have frost heave?"  I panicked when I heard this disembodied voice of oldity and was all "Ohhh, shiiiit..." and ran in the house, "Jules!  Hurry, open me a craft beer and put on some Jay-Z, I think I'm turning into Camilla Parker-Bowles!"

But, people, I am a woman of action.  Fear not.  I got planz.  Appointmentz.

When I am overwhelmed, it helps me to sort of chart course.   Check it:

So, I am going to implement the above-shown practices and I will keep you apprised of my progress.

(It should be noted that I took a poll on Facie to see if I should grow my hair out.  Errbody except a few of my dearest said "YES" and I was all ready to, you know BOOM start growing when Jules totally put the kibosh on it.  She came home and said, "If your crisis is so pronounced that you are considering this crazy act, I will give you a Jaguar sportscar if you DON'T grow your hair out.  She just skeerd people will think she's a lesbian.  Whatevs.)

Okay, I have to go do, like a "peel" or something.  Thank you.  This sucks.  Hold me*.

*If you are Emma Stone

1 comment:

  1. i too love emma stone. her damn lisp is so cute! :) I also like that i'm in your 10%.