Official Hierarchy of Annoying in Children's Television

There is a Hierarchy of Annoying in the world of childrens' television shows and characters.  I am very sensitive to it, so I've made a handy list.

5.  "Spud", from Bob The Builder.  What the f*ck IS that thing?  For the longest time, I thought he was a turnip, but with a body?  Like the eyes of a potato have grown so out of control that they form a body?  In this weirdly fashionable and cozy looking sweatshirt?  Even when I close my eyes, Spud is still there.

4.  Strawberry Shortcake.  All of it.  This show suffers a low-level base annoy wherein the core group of characters are constantly set upon by some incredibly self-centered, bitchy adversary who they tolerate with wonder and compassion.  Eventually they encircle the enemy and Make Her Friend. I counsel Phinny:  "If anyone ever treats you the way Peppermint treats Blueberry, push that bitch into the chocolate river with a quickness."

3.  Thomas and Friends.  Clearly a thinly veiled allusion to an island of wrongdoing homosexuals.  The thing that's weird about the show is that the central theme seems to ALWAYS be about humility.  Sir Topham Hat (who in the older versions is called The Fat Conductor, BTW) is a total Manic Depressive and rules the island with a confusing blend of unnatural enthusiasm and love for his trains, alternating with white-hot anger over spilled banana shipments and unnesessarily punitive actions against their innocent gay mistakes.

2.  Caillou.  Caillou's whiny voice haunts my dreams.  He's lucky his parents are infinitely tolerant French-Canadians, because I might have duct-taped his mouth shut some time ago.  Also- the hair?  HOW OLD ARE YOU, CAILLOU?

1.  The number one spot is reserved for Dora The Explorer.  This show is one of the few things I do not allow under any circumstances.  A couple of years ago when we introduced P to the library, she was drawn to Dora and I unwittingly allowed the little cuss into our home.  She brought with her a coterie of extraordinarily grating friends, a show with a nauseating format and the relentless message that, if you don't watch your ass, a thief will ALWAYS steal your shit.

I mean, the CIA has it all wrong with those Somali pirates.  They can forget about playing Britney at them over loudspeakers- blare the theme segment for Dora's Map to them and they will seriously throw ALL their shit AT you immediately to get you to stop.  I promise: